The month I don’t sleep, eat, or breathe without staring at my computer screen simultaneously

Also known as November.

Today’s task? 5 page paper. Fairly easy undertaking. Success.

Now only a 30 page research proposal, 25 page research paper, 12 page research paper, 2 exams, and a 5 page paper left before I get out for Christmas break. One month from now. Ironically, I picked this time in the semester to start blogging again with regularity.

While at the beginning of the semester, I was so excited to be back in classes, undertaking the exciting new world of graduate school. I’m sure I looked like this:

I love learning 🙂

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At this point in the semester, while I’m still over the moon to be in graduate school and I still love learning, my library look is more like this:

 

 

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NBD. I’m just part of the Occupy Tulane’s Library Movement, what about you?

 

I’m a confident person. So why the jealousy?

Something I’ve recently noticed about myself is the tendency to be jealous or angry at people who seem to be doing something I want to do(exciting jobs, research,travelling etc)–or even something I’m already doing like grad school. The grass is always greener on the other side, but why would I possibly be jealous of someone on the same side?

This is something that I haven’t felt in awhile. In high school, I was unhappy with myself or at best not confident as I should have been. But since starting my undergraduate degree, I’ve felt much more confident–even overly confident–of my personal strengths and qualities, unconcerned with those areas in which I do not excel. So why do I have these flashes of jealousy lately?

This is what I think, and here comes that self-confidence–I’m a pretty self-aware person. I think that starting grad school put me at the bottom again. My everyday interactions in class are mostly with other graduate students who are in their first year or older than me. Other interactions at school are with highly respected professors and advisers. No one is younger or less experienced at social science research than my fellow first years and me. So all those people out there feeling confident and on top of life make me uncomfortable about my sudden lack of confidence.

This is where it turns around. I was told once that no one in social science/humanities grad programs thinks they are worthy of being where they are. We all feel like frauds–even the seemingly most confident. No one knows the ins and outs of their discipline or field (or multiple disciplines in the case of a interdisciplinary program like mine!). No one has published multiple articles or books at this level. We get platefuls of “constructive criticism” daily. We have to put on a brave face and carry on.

I’m currently in a Master’s program with plans to apply to the PhD track. I love academia for all its quirks and flaws, but if I plan on surviving, I have to buck up. This is a long race, but it doesn’t matter if I’m at the back of the pack right now. I just need some endurance!